This week: • Pentagoner • Press freedom • Stern not stern •
• Dead Zones • Sperm • Made in Korea • Bangs • Stuff •

 

An ode to Donnie Darkside

So farewell Donnie, your time is up,
Now you’ve gone they’ll say you f*cked it all up,
A scapegoat for your party’s perpetual error.
You helped create the half-million-killing War on Terror,
The maelstrom in Afghanistan, the quagmire in Iraq.
Abu Ghraib and Gitmo brought you flak,
As Geneva Conventions were tossed aside,
And thousands and thousands continued to die,
In a war you said would be over in six months,
Alienating everyone thanks to you, the war dunce.
Will troops and Iraqis rest easy now you’ve gone?
Not till the other chickenhawks are put out to farm.
Your demise is the beginning of the final fling,
Operation American Freedom is now in full swing.
Amen.

 

 

Free press a casualty of TWOT™

Point number six in the 14 points that tie Bush’s regime to fascism stipulates control of the media, a leash that has got progressively tighter during the six years of Bush. The latest worldwide press freedom index released by NGO Reporters Without Borders sees the US further sliding down the ranks. While the likes of North Korea, Turkmenistan and Eritrea were worst violators of press freedom the more eye catching headlines were the slide made by France, the US and Japan.

“The United States (53rd) has fallen nine places since last year, after being in 17th position in the first year of the Index, in 2002. Relations between the media and the Bush administration sharply deteriorated after the president used the pretext of ‘national security’ to regard as suspicious any journalist who questioned his ‘war on terrorism.’ The zeal of federal courts which, unlike those in 33 US states, refuse to recognise the media’s right not to reveal its sources, even threatens journalists whose investigations have no connection at all with terrorism,” the press watchdog noted.

“Freelance journalist and blogger Josh Wolf was imprisoned when he refused to hand over his video archives. Sudanese cameraman Sami al-Haj, who works for the pan-Arab broadcaster Al-Jazeera, has been held without trial since June 2002 at the US military base at Guantanamo, and Associated Press photographer Bilal Hussein has been held by US authorities in Iraq since April this year.

“France (35th) slipped five places during the past year, to make a loss of 24 places in five years. The increase in searches of media offices and journalists’ homes is very worrying for media organisations and trade unions. Autumn 2005 was an especially bad time for French journalists, several of whom were physically attacked or threatened during a trade union dispute involving privatisation of the Corsican firm SNCM and during violent demonstrations in French city suburbs in November.

“Rising nationalism and the system of exclusive press clubs (kishas) threatened democratic gains in Japan, which fell 14 places to 51st. The newspaper Nihon Keizai was firebombed and several journalists phsyically attacked by far-right activists (uyoku),” Reporters Without Borders wrote.

Now that the Republican hegemony in the US has been shattered we can only hope some journalists there relocate their spines. The chances of that happening in Japan under Shinto Abe are extremely unlikely.

 

 

Stern report not stern enough

So an ex-World Bank British chap comes out with a report saying as much as 20% of global GDP could fall foul of global warming if we do nothing about it right now. Industrialists, politicians and polluters everywhere were quick to poo poo the report by Nicholas Stern saying he had blown it out of all proportion.

At the risk of being labeled the chicken little red email, we feel his worse case scenario — 20% of the global economy — is actually too slight, the figure will be far more damaging than that.

Take a look at this map for life in the 2050’s when the population will be above 9 billion and the four horsemen of the apocalypse will be upon us.

Water levels rising six to seven metres will destroy essential infrastructure such as pretty much all the ports (which handle 95% of the world’s trade — 20% of the global economy starts to look shaky right there), as well as roads and airports. Crop failures will be commonplace and war for resources will be unavoidable. Water particularly will ironically be in short supply.

A drop of 20% of the global economy seems like an absolutely best case scenario not the worst case scenario.

 

 

Dawn of the dead zones

Our very own Lone Shark beat the rest of the hacks to the punch last issue with his tale of how fish stocks are in severe decline. Since his story was published Science magazine issued a report saying fish stocks could decline by 50% in the coming years creating a media frenzy.

Furthermore, a United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) report released at the end of last month shows worringly that the number of oxygen-starved “dead zones” in global marine waters has jumped by more than a third in the last 2 years. The latest figures reveal some 200 dead zones worldwide, up from 149 since 2004. The affected waters are robbed of fish, oysters, sea grasses, and other marine life, damaging food supplies for millions of people worldwide, the report warns.

Dead zones form when microscopic marine plants called phytoplankton explode in number. When the phytoplankton die, bacteria feast on them and consume vast amounts of dissolved oxygen. The resulting oxygen depletion — or hypoxia — kills fish, oysters, sea grasses, and other marine life. Although phytoplankton are the backbone of marine food chains and their populations naturally wax and wane, abnormally large “blooms” have been on the rise since the 1970s. According to the UNEP report, this has been due to skyrocketing marine levels of nutrients such as phosphorus and nitrogen from fertilizers, sewage, animal wastes, and other sources.

It is no coincidence that almost all of the 200 dead zones on earth lie at the mouths of rivers. Nearly 50 fester off US coasts. While most are caused by river-borne nitrogen, fossil-fuel-burning plants help create this condition, as does phosphorous from human sewage and nitrogen emissions from auto exhaust.

The situation may well worsen. China especially is a worry with both the Yangtze and Pearl river delatas now deemd dead zones and the Bohai Sea in the north heading in the same mortal direction. The UNEP report projects that the volume of nitrogen alone dumped by rivers into the oceans will climb 14% by 2030, compared to mid-1990s levels.

The ocean has absorbed 118 billion metric tons of carbon dioxide since the onset of the Industrial Revolution, with 20 to 25 tons being added to the atmosphere daily. Increasing acidity from rising levels of CO2 is changing the ocean’s pH balance. Studies indicate that the shells and skeletons possessed by everything from reef-building corals to mollusks and plankton begin to dissolve within 48 hours of exposure to the acidity expected in the ocean by 2050. Coral reefs will almost certainly disappear and, even more worrisome, so will plankton. Phytoplankton absorb greenhouse gases, manufacture oxygen and are the primary producers of the marine food web.

Mercury pollution enters the food web via coal and chemical industry waste, oxidizes in the atmosphere and settles to the sea bottom. There it is consumed, delivering mercury to each subsequent link in the food chain, until predators such as tuna or whales carry levels of mercury as much as 1 million times that of the waters around them. The Gulf of Mexico has the highest mercury levels ever recorded, with an average of 10 tons of mercury coming down the Mississippi River every year, and another ton added by offshore drilling.

Remember this, a few years ago the little red email learnt that not one of the 70 odd staff of the South China Sea Environmental Protection Agency ate shellfish for fear of the high levels of lead and mercury in the aforementioned marine crustaceans. Bon appetit!

 

 

“We don’t do sperm counts”

Sperm, spunk, jizz, man juice — call it what you will, research has highlighted a growing problem with male fertility across the globe. The little red email’s medical correspondent Dr Jim looks at the evidence behind this emasculating problem.

While it has long been known that female fertility is impaired by oestrogen exposure, it is unclear whether environmental pollutants with oestrogenic effects are sufficiently potent and prevalent to have biological effects in humans. Male fertility, or sperm concentration at least, appears to have deteriorated significantly over the last 10 years. There is also good evidence for an increase in testicular cancer, and possibly in other conditions that are linked to impaired sperm production.

Scientists blame the effect on a form of oestrogen found in urine from women using the contraceptive pill, which may be flushed through sewage works and into rivers. The fear is that the chemical has contaminated drinking water and is the cause of the problem.

This is not the only form of environmental contamination with these particular hormonal effects. Many synthetic compounds and plant products present in the environment have been found to behave in a similar manner to oestrogen. Some arise as artefacts during the manufacture of plastics and other synthetic materials. Still others are generated from pesticides or steroid hormones used to stimulate growth in livestock. These oestrogens are further concentrated in animals higher up in the food chain. With mankind sitting at the top in the majority of environments, it is no surprise that we are the ones feeling the brunt of these effects. That is not to say that other animals remain unaffected.

A five-year study by the Environment Agency in the UK suggests that half the male fish in lowland English rivers are developing female characteristics because of pollution. In the Great Lakes region of America, birds including male herring gulls, terns, and bald eagles exhibit hermaphroditic changes after feeding on contaminated fish. In addition, evidence from Florida links sterility in male and female panthers to their predation on animals exposed to pesticides with estrogenic activity.

Professor Charles Taylor, from Exeter University, who is working on new technology for filtering water, warned chemicals such as ethanol oestriadol (present in the contraceptive pill) were “so exquisitely potent” that even tiny amounts, such as one part per billion, could feminise the fish.

“Some of the concentrations which we are seeing affecting fish are below the detection limit which is presently in place for testing our drinking water. We cannot be sure that some of the compounds, albeit at very low concentrations, aren’t getting into our drinking water.”

The scientist who carried out the research in the UK, Dr Susan Jobling, from Brunel University, said the effect on fish should be taken as a warning to humans. She said: “The issue is not just about fish. Everything that we eat, put on our skin, throw down the drain, ends up in the sewage treatment works and ultimately in the river. One could argue that we are actually living in a sea of oestrogen, a chemical cocktail, and therefore I think there are very real reasons to be worried about whether male reproductive health could also be affected in the same way that fish reproductive health is affected.”

The message is clear. Either we start thinking about the way we abuse our environment and take steps to change, or our own “little swimmers” will continue to decline.

 

 

What some brands don’t know

A recent trip down to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea yielded some interesting observations for little red (well, rather tall red, actually) comrade Paul French backed up by others just returned from a trade mission in the country (not trade really, but a good excuse for a look at the weirdness on the company account).

The North Koreans were eager to show that life was going on despite the imposition of tighter sanctions recently.

Particularly of note are the 250 or so Chinese-DPRK joint ventures. Much less is known about most of these than the more high profile South Korean investments corralled in Kaesong down near the DMZ.

The Chinese-DPRK JVs range across the country but there are clusters up along the PRC-DPRK border along the Yalu River and particularly around border towns such as Sinuiju. Many of these Chinese-North Korean ventures exist in name only — either the funding has never come through, negotiations are stalled or the power/spare parts/equipment/necessary permits/technical know all (and usually a combination of several of these factors) has never materialised.

However, there are a number of textiles operations up and running and guess what? Despite the boycott and official ban on DPRK made products being exported to or sold in the USA there are factories producing garments for the American market. This means that any number of Americans — maybe even hawkish types in Washington — are strolling around wearing DPRK-made duds.

How can this happen? Prettily easily actually. US brands contracting to Chinese manufacturers just don’t know that some of that work is being sub-contracted across the border, just like it is on the other side of the nation to Myanmar. Of course when it is shipped the label reads Made in China. Brands beware.

 

 

Bangs ex-Foley-ates

Yahuda Bangs November 3, 2006

Deep breath, Bangs. You are ready for this, ready for your big comeback. The counsellors have all signed off on this one. You can do it!

Astute Canned Revolution readers have commented on my lengthy absence from the little red email. My readers deserve an explanation, and as difficult and humbling as providing a truthful one may prove, I know that recovery can only begin once certain frank admissions have been made. I’m writing this column from the Lord British Center for Compulsive Online Role-Playing, where I’ve been incarcerated for the past two months. My counsellors, who have worked with me through the most difficult period of withdrawal, feel that I’m ready to face the world again. Just this morning, my head case worker, Doctor Gygax, petitioned the judge for a nullification of the court order that has prohibited me legally from any contact with computers. It was Doctor Gygax who suggested that my first step on the long road to recovery should be to return to writing about current political affairs, working naturally under the stern gaze of the my beautiful but severe Dutch nurse, Fookelien, who is under orders to hit me with a taser at the first sign of relapse.

Yes, the taser. It’s come to that. Because I am powerless. Powerless, over the lure of the blinking lights, made-up reality, and cheap adrenalin rushes. This admission is the cornerstone of my recovery. I see that now, thanks to the patience of all of the counsellors here at the centre. My addiction to gaming — specifically online multi-player role-playing games — threw me into a hellish binge and purge cycle from inside of which I could see little further than my characters’ next level increase or +4 hell-blade. I lost myself, forgetting for a time to follow this unholy mess of a midterm election, an election in which obsessive behaviour like mine has taken the centre stage.

Obsession. Compulsion. The words have an ugly ring to them. Were my compulsion-driven actions of recent months — neglecting work, friends and loved ones, forgetting to stick to my rigorous self-imposed masturbation schedule — less odious than, say, those of Congressmen Mark Foley?

Of course they were. Foley is Scum. He should be ripped from the safety of the rehab center where he’s been cowering for the past month and chained to the back of his own campaign trailer and dragged naked through every red-state hamlet from Florida to Alaska. The sanctimonious little prick should be put on display like a zoo animal, subjected to jeers and occasional fondling from the same segment of America that still believes that the Republican party has even the slightest shred of morality, piety, or decency. Foley deserves this treatment not for being a queer or an alcoholic (if even the latter isn’t some cheap excuse cooked up by the GOP to keep him out of the public eye until election day); he deserves it for giving righteous queers, decent alcoholics, and even honest pederasts a bad name. Prison rape is too good for him; to scum like Foley, bad sodomy is better than no sodomy at all.

But I digress. Doctor Gygax tells me this is a symptom of my condition. He calls it “deflection,” and says I need to be looking at my own problems, namely compulsive gaming. And on that subject, the Game Show Network has just released a game in which the object is to control a digital Foley as he runs Pac-man like through a maze chasing page boys. Maybe I’ll just click over to www.gsn.com and check it out…

AAGHH! F*CK! No! IT’S RESEARCH! RESEARCH! It’s part of my god-damned work! Fook! F****CK!!

Deep breath, Bangs… deep breath.

Anyway, I’m sure it’s a fine game. With lots of nice bleeping, and the moving colours, and the high scores and the…

My nurse is glowering at me, fingering the taser. It’s time to wrap this column up. Readers should rest assured that I’m well on the road to recovery, and am looking forward to being released any day now, hopefully to face the reality of a hamstrung Bush administration and an American congress and senate in perpetual deadlock.

Actually, one of my characters on Nexus War Online was named “Deadlock” — he had almost reached “Nexus Champion,” level, and had +3 Soul Reamer…

AAAAGH!!! F*CK!!!

I have to go now.

I remain your humble correspondent,
Yahuda Bangs.

 

 

Stuff we like

A hotchpotch of stuff we’ve found and enjoyed recently on the Weird Wide Web.

Get your lovely T-shirts while they’re hot!
Everybody loves a winner. Nobody likes a loser. Nobody likes to be a loser. So with this in mind, Canned Revolution have set it up so that you can now buy your own Canned Revolution T-Shirt, and pretend that you won it in our competition. We’ll back up any claims to being a lucky winner by anyone who purchases a freshly tinned t-shirt to help the cause.

Owning your own Canned Revolution shirt could be a great way of life for you — imagine the friends, the opportunities, the fame, the copious offers of gratuitous sex.

Don’t delay! Buy your way into coolness today by clicking here.

 

TVB’s mixed messages on global warming
One of the little red email’s local terrestrial TV stations — TVB Pearl — is currently running a series on global warming. One of the most interesting aspects of the first documentary was the disconnect between the programme’s message and the commercials. During the first break (just after they’d covered cars and coal being two of the worst greehouse culprits in the US), two of Hong Kong’s biggest polluters made a showing: Exxon Mobil immediately assured us that they understood our needs because they’re drivers too (actually the little red email doesn’t own a car between us). Then China Light & Power assured that they have been using the cleanest coal (read: the cleanest dirt) for ages, just so there’d be less pollution. (Another hard sell given that we all live in sight of a huge coal-fired power plant, and have to deal with the oh-so-clean deposits). The government advert offered little respite, with a reminder that speeding can be dangerous (the dangers of the greenhouse gases and pollution caused by driving were apparently just fine with them). We’re just surprised the whole series hasn’t be sponsored by an airline for a final ironic twist of the hypocrisy blade.

 

Conspiracy of the Week Is Mars bluer than they’re letting on?
After the week’s colour change to blue for the US senate and congress: let’s get the red planet looking bluer too. According to this site, NASA have been making Mars look a lot redder than it really is. Perhaps they have simply been using Diebold computers…

 

Should I stay or should I go now?
The incredible bullshitting man award has to go to this man who claims he was never “stay the course”.

 

Video W putting the ‘Pres’ in Presenile dementia
This video evidence shows a surpising thing: ten years ago, W wasn’t the gibbering imbecile we see at the podium today.

 

Fun with Dick & Chains
Dick Cheney’s hobbies have expanded. Not content with shooting people, he’s keen to take up waterboarding. ‘Cheney indicated that the Bush administration doesn’t regard water-boarding as torture and allows the CIA to use it.’ “It’s a no-brainer for me,” said Cheney (which goes a long way to explaining his choice of running mate too). So what is waterboarding? You tube has some answers: from the informative by-the-pdf Water boarding method report, to the pre-9/11 Hollywood version (note pre-9/11 waterboarders are portrayed as evil torturers intent on inflicting pain and suffering). Then there is just the plain, old-fashioned weirdo rant take on it.

 

How rich are you?
If you think you’re poor or averagely well off, think again. You’re probably a lot better off than you thought: find out exactly how rich you are here.

 

Media treated to blackout in Iraq
How do these guys keep a straight face doing this? Really. Think about it — you have to convince everyone that Iraq is getter better, and in midstream while youre saying it, the lights go out, and the aircon stops. In the silent pause, the press pack are treated to the sounds of gunfire and explosions around the city. You continue on… “despite the difficult challenges we face, success in Iraq is possible and can be achieved on a realistic timetable. Iraqi leaders must step up to achieve key political and security milestones on which they have agreed. As they take these steps, we can produce success and bring about Iraqi self-reliance. We must continue to support them.” How can he face himself in the mirror?

 

Video Insurgents in Iraq
Everything is coming up roses in Iraq. No really. Trust us. There certainly aren’t any insurgent snipers. None. And even if there were, they’d just be dead-enders. Which is how we know CNN’s recently acquired tape has to be a cunning forgery.

 

Video Bert Turtle & the ministry of fear
You tube provides us with the classic “Duck and Cover”. First shown in 1951, and heavily ridiculed today, it serves to reminds us all how paranoid and ineffectual homeland security really is.

 

Video Britain’s many different subcultures explored
OK, it’s an old Fast Show sketch but it gave us a silly grin all week. Check it one time.

 

The most important news you never saw
For 30 years, Sonoma State University’s Project Censored has released an annual list of the most important news stories not covered by the corporate media in the United States. Here again are the Top 10 news stories that didn’t make much news.

 

Hybrids R Us
Following on from last issue’s news regarding fusing rabbits and humans to create some Donnie Darko creation, the Brits are now trying to fuse human embryos with cow cells — mad cows, anyone?

 

Video Dispatches — Iraq: The Lost Generation
“When the US-led invasion of Iraq promised to replace Saddam Hussein’s brutal regime with freedom and democracy, nearly half of the country’s population was under 21.
‘Iraq: The Lost Generation’ opens a window onto the hidden world of Iraqi youth, revealing the brutalisation and psychological trauma of living under military occupation. It reveals how the people with whom the future of Iraq rests, are reacting with anger, aggression and, in some cases, violence.

 

Being Don Malkovich
While not exactly feeling sorry for Don Rumsfeld, the mighty Greg Palast does note that he was merely the puppet, while the puppeteer remains in charge in this witty article.

 

Have a Coke and a tumor
Too much Sprite or Coke could well give you a one-way ticket to pancreatic cancer warns Xinhua. Coca-Carcinoma.

 

Would the real “force for moderation in the Middle East”* please stand up?
Are the Iraqis about to execute an imposter? Have the Bushes whisked their old ally Saddam elsewhere and some patsy is set to take the fall for the Butcher of Baghdad? Quite possibly. Read on McDuff.
*US Assistant Secretary of State John Kelly, 1990

 

Governments against the internet
Reporters without Borders highlights the 13 Internet enemies in 2006. Click here to find out what you can do to combat internet censorship.

 

Video David Bowie works his songsmith magic
For those yet to see it click here for the greatest song of 2006, David Bowie’s ode to a little fat man played by Ricky Gervais in the TV series Extras, sidesplittingly funny.

 

Video Daily Show on Donnie’s Departure
Jon Stewart on Don Rumsfeld’s resignation. A few days after Saddam was sentenced to death Rumsfeld was sentenced to an even greater punishment — irrelevance. A more sober look back at Donnie Darkside’s Pentagon adventure is offered by PBS’s Frontline.

 

Who is this Robert Gates bloke?
After Donnie Darkside’s questionable moral record, what with glad-handing at least on head of the Axis of Evil and his involvement in the supply of both Iraq and North Korea with WMDs, it comes as little surprise that his replacement is also on somewhat dodgy ground vis-à-vis supplying weapons to the Axis of Evil to fund state-sponsored terrorism. Of course the Contras were US-backed terrorists and are therefore called ‘freedom fighters’. This chequered past hasn’t stopped Slate’s Robert Kaplan putting his weight behind Robert Gates.

 

Video O’Reilly really loses it
After this classic piece of Bill O’Reilly delivered by his arch-enemy Keith Olbermann, we just want to know when someone is going to lock O’Reilly up for his own good.

 

Is Iraq the end of the US empire?
William S Lind — as Director of the conservative think-tank, Center for Cultural Conservatism for the Free Congress Foundation — seems a somewhat unlikely doom-sayer on the Iraqi invasion and occupation. This gives his dire warning of the end of the US empire’s military might occuring in Iraq more weight than most would normally give it.

 

Adbust Life donors
The California Department of Corrections bring you this timely adbust for Donnie’s successor.

That’s right! You too can get one of our t-shirts. Simply brush up your Photoshop skills and send your corporate subversion images to adbusting@cannedrevolution.com, such as the one above to stand a chance of being selected the weekly winner of our brand new little red adbuster of the week competition. The winner will be chosen by the revolutionary collective here on our own Fantasy Island. Alternatively, for those who don’t fancy your chances of winning but are still budding anti-establishment artists and hanker for one of our shirts, you still have hope. Simply send us five of your designs in five consecutive weeks and, so long as the images, are yours (and we have ways of checking!), a t-shirt will be winging its way to you.
Adbusting — the choice of a new generation. For more on adbusting, click here.

 

The Meteor-illogical Office report
This week, we ask: if the “there’s no global warming honest, no, really, we might be funded by big energy, but trust us” brigade are right, then then how come Seattle is looking on track to set its all-time wettest month ever?